De-Stress For Success with Isabella Ferguson
This podcast is about finding calm. I talk to the experts and bring you evidence-based practical methods to help you destress and live purposefully. In my early 40’s, I bowed out of a 20 year legal career “to spend more time with the kids”. However it was more than that. Decades of running on high anxiety and drinking to cope had had its toll on my nervous system and I was burnt out. I didn’t know it at the time, but from there I started years of recovery and ultimately stepped into a new way of living. I went to rehab, retrained as a counsellor and coach, created a successful counselling practice, became a motivational & corporate wellness speaker, took up painting and now support others to destress for success.
https://isabellaferguson.com.au
De-Stress For Success with Isabella Ferguson
4. Stress Less by Silencing Your Inner Critic: Tools for Positive Self-Talk
Did you know negative thoughts and self-talk can actually trigger our stress response? What?! Ever wondered why you can't seem to shake off those nagging thoughts of self-doubt and anxiety? In this episode, we examine the power of negative self-talk and how it can set off a cascade of stress responses. More than just exploring the issue, we also discuss practical strategies to combat this common mental battle, and how by doing so we can guide our future in the direction we desire.
We'll delve into understanding this relentless inner critic and how it can shape our behavior and interactions. Unearth the roots of these thoughts and beliefs, which are often a result of past experiences, and learn how they can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. We also share tools for achieving stillness, such as meditation, breathwork, positive affirmations, and nurturing supportive relationships. All of these tools can help us observe and rewire our brains for more positive thinking. Embark on this journey towards understanding and conquering the inner critic, and embrace a more positive and empowering thought process. Tune in, and transform your inner dialogue today!
http://isabellaferguson.com.au
Book referred to: The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer
ISABELLA FERGUSON
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Our inner dialogue, our self-talk, determines how we feel and what we do. It is so powerful that it can actually orchestrate our future. It can be as simple as this, and it was this scenario that sparked the inspiration for this episode. My family was in a car. We're late for an appointment. We're lost. My husband says can you just ask that person over there on the street where it is we need to go? My inner dialogue says no, don't want to be a bother, you'll think I'm a pain, don't go there. And I can feel the stress internally rise and I get really cranky. My older son is like me we don't like those scenarios. My youngest son, however, jumps out, asks the guy finds the street, gets the directions and we're on our way. I'd still be sweating it out in the wrong street. My husband and son, who have no qualms or negativity holding them back, are on their way and I'm lucky I'm with them. But it can also be as crippling as this, though let's just say you're spontaneously asked at work to provide your feedback on a project.
Speaker 1:Your inner dialogue goes into what would you know? You're stupid. Everyone's staring at you, they're annoyed. You were picked, so you stress, you get read, you blurt something out, you rush it and you can't stop thinking about it. Your thoughts move into. That was hopeless, you'll never be good enough, you'll never get promoted. It goes on and on. But another person who has a positive, supportive internal voice would say you've got this excellent, now's my chance, and you'll do it and enjoy it and feel like it was a career positive and you'll be ready for the next chance. Did you know that it's estimated that the average person has between 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day?
Speaker 1:We've got a constant stream of thoughts running through our minds, including thoughts that are conscious, subconscious, fleeting and even the background chatter of our minds. Can you often hear yourself talking your head? It's a common phenomenon called an internal monologue, where your brain allows you to hear yourself talking your head even though you're not actually speaking and forming sounds. Not all of our thoughts are necessarily unique or deeply profound, and I know that not many of mine are profound and often involve food and why I'm exercising again or why can't everyone leave the house and leave me alone. Your thoughts can be so familiar to you that you may not even notice them at first, but if you focus on them, observe them, you can notice themes and patterns, even in a joke, that you tell yourself. They can be quite comforting and assuring and hopefully on the whole they are, but at times these thoughts can be judgmental. What if a lot of your thoughts aren't particularly friendly or positive about you and your experiences in the world? How would that make you think about yourself, feel and behave? Well, not so good at all.
Speaker 1:In fact, negative self-talk can have a profound impact on your stress levels. When we engage in persistent and harsh self-criticism, it can trigger a range of stress-related responses in the body and the mind. Negative self-talk often involves self-doubt, self-blame, self-criticism, and when these thoughts become chronic, they can activate the body's stress response, also known as the flight or fight response, involving the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which prepare the body to deal with perceived threats. The amygdala, a small arm and shape structure deep within the brain, plays a significant role in processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety. When we engage in negative self-talk, our amygdala can become hyperactive, perceiving self-critical thoughts as actual, real threats. That's right. Your body can perceive self-critical thoughts as actual, real threats. So it's no wonder that in times of extreme stress, you can feel your heart race, your palms get sweaty. You can feel yourself, get hotter and you can stutter, and you can actually feel like you're in a real stressful situation, and this leads to a cascade of stress responses in the body that can further reinforce the negative cycle of self-talk. Not only does negative self-talk increase our stress levels, but it can also keep us stuck in a self-perpetuating unhealthy loop of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviors, and it sounds exhausting because, for many of us, it is. The good news is, though, there are practical steps that we can take to understand and combat this detrimental behavior. In this episode of de-stress for success, we'll explore negative self-talk and discover strategies to rewire our brains for more positive and empowering thoughts, so that we can gain greater resilience, find motivation and tailor our future directed towards the goals we want to achieve.
Speaker 1:So what is this internal talk? Who is it? Who is this voice inside of us? I have to admit, when I first learned about this topic years ago, it gave me a slightly panicky feeling. I was reading a book about our inner voices, and as I became more conscious that I had an internal voice, I was like OK, time to put that book down, get it out of my head now. It was unsettling, but I kept going back to the book in bite-sized reads and learned to observe this voice, and I quite like this inner monologue now that I have, but it's not always helpful and it needs to be kept in check.
Speaker 1:Our internal monologue is thought to develop during childhood as we develop language skills, helping our memory and making sense of the world. This internal monologue continues on when we mature and acts to support our memory, along with other types of cognitive processes. It's thought that internal monologue helps us to complete everyday tasks, such as our job, and helps us to organize our thoughts and problem solve, so it plays a useful function of workshopping and brainstorming ideas and plans. You may talk to yourself about issues that are on your mind or perhaps make internal lists of things you like to accomplish, like preparing a speech or a presentation. Your voice might also help you visualize and talk through future conversations so that you've rehearsed scenarios and you're prepared. You might even have made up make-believe conversations in your head. Have you ever done that? I know I have.
Speaker 1:One of the central themes of a terrific book called the Untethered Soul the Journey Beyond Yourself, written by Michael A Singer, is the concept of the voice inside your head, and I highly recommend this book if you're interested in this topic. Singer describes the voice inside your head as that constant stream of thought, judgement, opinions, commentary that runs through your mind. He refers to this as the inner roommate or inner critic. Sometimes his voice can be delightful, but this voice can both be also relentless and critical, often leading to anxiety, self-doubt and suffering. Singer importantly says that we are not this voice. This is not our true self. We are the person that hears this voice.
Speaker 1:Our inner voice narrates the world to us and helps us make sense of the world. It's the buffer or filter between us and the world, a voice that uses language that guides our behavior. Our inner dialogue, or self-talk, significantly shapes our emotions. If our self-talk is predominantly negative or self-critical, it can lead to emotions like sadness, anxiety or frustration and, conversely, positive self-talk can generate feelings of confidence and joy. The impact of these words monumentally impact the way you feel and, ultimately, the way you step out in the world, behave and interact.
Speaker 1:When we encounter a situation, our minds automatically interpret and appraise it. Give it a bit of an assessment. The nature of those interpretations are based on our beliefs. Our beliefs are very individual and personal to all of us. They're based on our past experiences, observations and thought patterns and perceptions about the world. The thing that we always need to remember is that, first of all, our beliefs are often unknown to us. We sometimes need to really dig deep to work out what our beliefs are. Secondly, what makes up those beliefs? The ingredients of them? They can be untrue. They can be based on negative perceptions and experiences in our lives. The building blocks that have formed that belief might need a little bit of work and tinkering to reframe them into truer and more factual beliefs. This is often our beliefs around.
Speaker 1:Our self-confidence, our self-worth those very important things that we hold about ourselves can really be tainted with negativity given our past experiences. So, for example, if you have developed negative beliefs about yourself I'm not very smart or I'm crap at public speaking then encountering a public speaking engagement can lead to anxiety and fear based on that belief. Our thoughts often proceed and influence our actions. So if you believe you can succeed in a task, you're more likely to take initiative and put in effort. Conversely, if you believe you will fail, you may procrastinate, avoid the task altogether and not move forward with what it is you need to do in your life. So, in this way, our thoughts, our negative self-talk can create self-fulfilling prophecies. If you think you'll fail at a job interview, you may feel anxious. This can impact your behavior during the interview and it can actually lead to a poorer performance. So you can see how positive or negative self-talk and our internal belief systems that we've developed over the course of our lives can reinforce positive and motivating goal attainment, decision-making and habit formation.
Speaker 1:So what does your negative self-talk look like and can you change them? And here's a fun fact apparently people that look for errors as part of their careers have a greater propensity to scan for errors and negatives in their personal life. But that's okay, because you can retrain the way you scan the world with a few helpful tools, which we'll get to. The first step is to be aware how your voice speaks to you, so you even aware what your internal dialogue says to you. Ask yourself what's the nature of your internal talk, what's its talking style, the patterns, the triggers, the words that your inner voice uses to speak to you. Mine is generally happy, go lucky and helpful. Thankfully, it's quite funny at times, but it can leap to the negative in some situations. But some people have a voice that can quite relentlessly tell them that they're hopeless, that they're not good enough? Or does your internal monologue generally have your back and only gets negative when you're in specific situations, like when you're tired, you're hungry or under work pressure?
Speaker 1:Another thing to look out for is whether you recognise a lot of should statements in your internal conversation, like what should and ought to be said or done. I should be just like her. I should dress better, be a better parent, exercise more. It's really helpful to chastise yourself. So should and ought statements often are used by the thinker to take on a negative view of their life and really can diminish your self-esteem, raise anxiety and stress levels and hold you back. So where do these thoughts come from? What can you do about it?
Speaker 1:Negative self-talk can have various sources and it often arises from a complex mix of internal and external factors. Understanding the sources of your negative self-talk can be really important in addressing and overcoming it. Negative self-talk can be rooted in early childhood experiences, especially if your childhood context or environment was often associated with criticism or neglect or abuse. The way that your parents spoke to you, your siblings spoke to you, your extended family spoke to you can really form the basis of whether your self-talk is critical or positive. So what messages did you receive in childhood? This is the way your voice might start talking to you. Traumatic experiences or life challenges can also lead to negative self-talk. So if you think back on your childhood, you might remember an event that profoundly impacted your life and you might have developed an internal monologue around that that is negative, that you now apply in your present thinking patterns to events that remind you of that event.
Speaker 1:Society, culture and media can also shape our perceptions of how we look or what success looks like or our worthiness. Unrealistic standards or pressures can also contribute to negative self-talk when we feel like we're just not measuring up, and this really underscores why we need to limit our exposure to social media accounts that make us feel bad about ourselves. This stuff gets absorbed and can really fuel our negative self-talk. Constantly comparing ourselves to others or striving for perfection, setting unrealistic high standards, low self-esteem all of these sorts of things can really fuel our negative self-talk. And finally, a lack of self-compassion, because some people really have a difficulty being kind and compassionate towards themselves. Instead, they may be overly critical, unforgiving. This can also fuel that negative self-talk.
Speaker 1:It's really important to note that the way we talk to ourselves, even if it's negative. It's really common. It's a common human experience and most people engage in it to some degree. However, recognizing the sources of negative self-talk can really help us to address and challenge these thought patterns. So what do we do about it? With intentional effort, we can actually change the neural pathways associated with negative self-talk to create more positive ones, and I really love this aspect of the conversation because it gives us hope. It gives us the power to really change our mood, change our emotions and then change the way we behave.
Speaker 1:So one of the first steps that you need to take to do this is to, firstly, observe the voice, become aware of your internal chatter. What does it say? Does this same thought pop up when a certain situation presents itself? Have you noticed that it always happens when you're meeting new people? Or have you noticed when it always happens when you're stepping into a work situation? Or have you noticed when it happens when you're alone and you're not around other people? What does it say? How does this thought make you feel? Then let it go, release it. Replace it with a positive and truer thought. Secondly, acknowledge that you are not the voice. You are the one who is aware of the voice.
Speaker 1:By observing your thoughts without identifying with them, you can gain a sense of detachment from that inner dialogue. This is really important and this is true. This voice, these beliefs they're developed over the course of your life and a lot of them are likely to be untrue. So knowing these beliefs are often untrue and not based on fact can help us to detach from it and just allows us to say no, I've got this and release that negative thought. Thirdly, if you're noticing a consistent negative thought and often as we get older we're familiar with an inner dialogue that doesn't feel right, that holds us back Take time to consider where the thought comes from.
Speaker 1:A journal could really help here, or you might need external help in the form of a counsellor. Give compassion to that younger version of you that developed this negative voice in the childhood environment you were in. Observe it for what it is. Then let it go. Also, consider whether this voice was formed to protect you. Was it keeping you safe at that time? Perhaps befriending it, showing compassion to it and then saying you're not in charge, I've got this, can really help. It can sometimes help to imagine your mind is a boardroom with several seats at the table and your internal monologue voice has a seat at the table. But you need to tell that voice that it's not in charge. It's just got a seat at the table. You're in charge, thank it. Tell it to sit down. One more step If you're really noticing quite a deep seated negative voice that's coming from a belief, perhaps from your childhood, another way is just to write the internal and external evidence down that counteracts this negative talk, to really show yourself on paper that it's not true and then you actually turn this negative belief around.
Speaker 1:So becoming more conscious of your thoughts, recognizing that you're not the thoughts themselves, can really help you attain freedom from thoughts that are holding you back and can really propel you forward, to be more resilient to achieve your goals, to feel a greater contentment and stress less. So, in terms of some practical tips, I'm just going to touch on several things that I highly recommend If you're looking to really counteract negative thoughts that you've got, decrease those stress levels and find that positive talk to make you feel better, to make you behave in a way that achieves those goals. The first one is a one that I know you've heard countless times, but it's there for a reason and it's gratitude practice. A marvellous practice is to wake up, and here's the key Do not pick up your phone. Do not go straight to your messages or scroll the news or look at your emails, because that's instantaneously triggering your stress response. So do not pick up the phone. Instead, write five things down that you're grateful for. Some can be repeats, but some should be new. Try it for a month. It's evidence-based and it really trains your brain to start scanning your day for the positive things. This is paving the way to positive thinking.
Speaker 1:Secondly, meditation and breathwork can be amazing tools to still the mind, to allow you to observe your thoughts. We spoke about this in episode 2. Danny Carr's yoga Nidra meditation on insight timer is sensational. I used to roll my eyes when I heard people talk about meditation and breathwork because I am a person that's really gravitated towards movement quite high intensity exercise. I had to get out and sweat it out and I thought that was my release. I got that dopamine release after that and that made me feel good. But I cannot recommend more taking 25 minutes every day or at least four days a week to work through a meditation and breathwork practice. You can learn to observe your thoughts this way, without judgement. So over time this really helps reduce the overactivity of the amygdala, making it easier to let go of self-critical thoughts.
Speaker 1:Positive affirmations this involves consciously repeating positive and empowering statements to counteract the negative thoughts, and so this might seem simplistic, but really research does suggest that consistent use of positive affirmations can really reshape your neural pathways, gradually, making them more positive and more constructive. I think it's really useful to find the negative self-talk that you notice pops up for you. You get the picture. Also, interactions with supportive and positive people around you can have a profound impact on rewiring your brain. Social support can really help regulate the stress response and promote feelings of self-worth. You can really counteract those negative self-talks.
